My whole being wants to live outside of myself.
But I am trapped within myself.
Unable to crawl outside of this tight space inside of my spirit that, I, myself, have created to be a dampening place.
I imagined that, by now, I would have purified my soul enough to feel comfortable enough to quit trying to clean up the mess outside, and start stepping outside and into other peoples messy spirits. Or clean spirits. Whatever the case may be.
But I have done a damn fine job of isolating myself from every friend. Every family member. Every co-worker. Except baby girl and baby dog.
The direct result has been that I have not been eating. Again.
It’s strange because I have seen a few girls that I have known with disorders, and their profile pictures have began to show that they are relapsing too.
Tis the season, I suppose.
I force myself to incorporate all of one meals servings worth of the food groups at least once a day. So I do know that I have not completely lost it.
But it becomes so difficult whenever I am not able to step outside of myself, not even for second. I am just not giving myself any good answers. I’m not even asking any really good questions. My head has become one big, white, puffy cloud among the light blue sky. There is nothing there. Nothing important. Nothing worth anything.
I bought some anxiety medication off of a friend.
If you have known me for a while, or followed me long, you would know how hard of a battle I won weaning myself off of a great deal of daily anxiety medications.
I was beginning to fear for my life in ways that I wasn’t quite comfortable with. So I decided that I had to try something…perhaps maybe I had been wrong. Perhaps those pills actually made my life livable. Perhaps it was the medication that altered my brain to believing that needing them is the way. There are endless variables. All of which I obsessed over, as I do with any subject, for weeks before I finally bought the pills.
I’ve taken a handful in the past two days.
Fuck it, I said.
And they made me feel so much better. I felt the anxieties of my life float outside of me for a little while, giving myself some time within my spirit to rest my mind. I knew that the clutter would come back…but in that moment, I felt comfortable enjoying the moment without them.
So now I’m perplexed even further.
Sometimes we fight so hard for our dreams, and then find out that they weren’t as luxurious as we had once envisioned them to be.
I work at the finest restaurant in a big city, and yet I have hit a streak of slow season and bad luck and am winding coming up short almost every pay day. It comes in. It goes out. Within 30 seconds.
I scramble to feed baby girl, but I do it. I pick up shifts. I sell my musical instruments or clothes. I find ways.
I’m just so tired.
Of it being such a struggle.
To be apart of this universe.