Sometimes it feels as if my ribs are creaking as I breath. Or my heart flutters as if I was dropping downward on a roller coaster. I am still. I have not moved. Not in a while.
I feel my skin tightening around my face, a millimeter below my temples and all the way down the cheekbones. There is an ache in my head, but only ever once in a while, and it isn’t enough of an issue to want to get up to go get Asprin.
I get up at 8am at the latest. Drink coffee until 1pm. Start getting ready for work. Panic at 3pm because I haven’t eaten and I don’t want to faint at work. Drink a Carnation Instant Breakfast. Eat a Banana. Drink a Blueberry Redbull. Get to work at 4pm. Work until midnight. Race home. Smoke a bowl. Wait 30 minutes. Eat a variety of frozen pizza/cereal/yogurt/cookies. Turn on Netflix and pass out.
I don’t know what this is.
Yes, ofcourse I know that this is “EDNOS” but not in a way that I have ever experienced it.
One of the many things that I learned in treatment is that most of the disordered relapse, and many times, into a different category of the “Eating Disorder”.
I met many former anorexics turned bulimics. Vice Versa. I’ve met girls that have cycled through the options so often that they have surmised to doing a combination of all of them. It is a sad eventuality. One that I had hoped so desperately would surpass me altogether.
I have been under the false impression that I would be one of the chosen to be set free without experiencing multiple madness’s along the way.
So what do I do?
The only time that I want to eat is when I am stoned. And I can’t be stoned all the time.
As a matter of fact, I’d kinda like to not be stoned at all. I feel a conviction in my spirit to stop. For baby girl will b turning 8 soon and she is not a baby anymore. She will begin to figure out a way to know or find out. It’s who she is. Because she’s exactly like me.
I don’t have the answer.
I probably haven’t even asked a question.
I can’t even begin to imagine what my weight is. Like before, if I was just starving myself. I always knew that it was going down. And then this past year, I have stayed stoned for as much of it as I could get away with. And I always knew it was going up. And so I didn’t even want to see.
But now I am curious.
More curious than before.
You good ol’ son of a bitch!