Not in Numbers

It’s so obvious when the struggle sets in. To everyone of course. After almost 20 years of struggling with the seemingly foreign concept of self nourishment.

Sustainment. 

I have moments and I don’t make things worse. I don’t force myself to do things my body won’t allow. I just slip by, unnoticed, except that’s not even true.

It’s noticed by me and everyone around me. We all stay silent because that’s what the experts say to do. No one whispers a word of encouragement or concern. Neither do I. Neither do the past on ones that so often spoke before.

It has come to my attention, however, that I am salvageable if I would just try. Is 20 years enough? Is a slow paralysis of my body and joints enough? A heavy brick laid upon my chest enough? The idea that I am hideous in a reality that is untrue. I am not hideous. Not to most anyway.

I look at food and I’m full. Instantly. It doesn’t feel like I’m starving. Only the ever present headache is my clue. I eat to get rid of the headache but lately it just stays anyway.

I don’t want to go down when I have big opportunities to go way up. In life. 

Not in numbers.

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