Disorder Swap

My eating disorder has faded for years now and a new disorder has arose. I believe it’s a panic disorder although I haven’t confirmed yet with a doctor. It doesn’t seem right to become intensely terrified of normal every day things that had not terrified me before. Walking downtown, driving on highways, riding an escalator for crying out loud!

I have run my household and life for years and then one day, every time I’m inside a grocery store, mall, bank, or open space I begin sweating and believe the world is moving around me. For months I thought I had a brain tumor. Walking four blocks into work began to seem, and still does, like a death march. As I keep my eyes down and my mind occupied, I beg myself to make it. My heart pounds, pits sweat, lungs struggle, throat closes, world moves and I beg myself. Please. Get in the door. Make it to the door and do not dare fall on this ground. The ambulance bill, the hit to your credit, the embarrassment of being weak and puny.

I slowly have withdrawn going out to social occasions and it has become a pretty common joke that I am a nana who just wants to be at home with her weenie dogs watching unsolved mysteries. A single 31 year old mother should be trying to get a man or a degree or a hobby or a big circle of friends. I come straight home from work and get right into bed, turn on the tv, forget that I even own a phone or have social media and zone.

I have convinced myself I don’t want anymore than this. Even more concerning is I’ve convinced myself I don’t need anymore than this. I don’t need any fulfillment or ambition in my life. Only the familiar. Only the same. Only the spaces and places I have been to the days before with out begging myself to make it through. And most days that’s unavoidable.

My spirit is bothered because I feel like it’s my punishment.

I keep hanging in there and I think that’s important. It’s often what I tell my staff to do when they are facing much heavier issues than panic attacks. Time diminishes most all problems and pain, I say. Perhaps not with this but I have my fingers crossed.





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