It’s so obvious when the struggle sets in. To everyone of course. After almost 20 years of struggling with the seemingly foreign concept of self nourishment. Sustainment. I have moments and I don’t make things worse. I don’t force myself to do things my body won’t allow. I just slip by, unnoticed, except that’s not… Read More Not in Numbers
I want to improve my diet. What a phrase to use on a blog like this. A word, in fact, that sometimes causes those that fear for the disordered to lose their minds. And in these present times, the choices of the “right diet” are a million and one, making it impossible to trust very… Read More Tell me more about the candida in my stomach…..
I have lived without thinking of my eating disorder for a while. I have pushed it to the very depths of my mind, and I’m not quite sure why I have decided to pull it forth tonight. I have held it before me and stared into it’s crystal-y gaze and admire it’s endless depth. Because… Read More Question For The World
I choked down a banana at 3pm. I began to put on my slacks for work and dutifully reminded myself that I must consume anything before I am unable to consume at all until midnight. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find “recovery”….or, more importantly, “appetite” outside of cannibis. It has been the one… Read More Constantly Questioning my Motives.
My circumstance is so strange. Isn’t yours? I mean, seriously. Recovery in a time like this. How? I worked 8 hours…formal dining. Pleasing the richest of the metroplex. VIPS. Rosemary seared Ahi tuna with with a jasmine risotto topped with capers, peas, and shallots with a red vinaigrette buerre blanc drizzled on top. I lit… Read More The tables have turned
I’m sorry I dropped off the face of this … place. I stepped away from all disordered trends. Social Media. Pintrest. Tumblr. Facebook…even, until recently. I quit taking pictures of myself. I just tried. But I didn’t approve. So. Sorry. I have begun writing other things. Things that don’t have to do with anorexia. Although,… Read More Dream Elixir.
The thing that I’m realizing suddenly is that the issue lies in the flawed sense of reality that Eating Disorder “patients” get in the security of being banned from their Eating Disorder. I have sat across from many a 30 day symptom free woman. And, having seen the mess they arrived in, vs the capable,… Read More How do we live?
I have a certain level of love for myself that I have not always possessed. It is a miracle of this moment that I cherish and am immensely grateful for. Because it has allowed me to see myself as something other than disgust. It has taken me so long and through so much doubt to… Read More Love me
I haven’t really known how to approach this post. The post where I must reveal that I do, now, know my number. And whether or not I am ready or willing to broadcast it to the open universe. I had arrived in the ER and did my duty of explaining why I must not know… Read More 46.4+102-18.2=0…or so they say.
I have sat here for over an hour trying fruitlessly to create a very exact way to describe this feeling. But I can’t. I have no hunger. My appetite is completely gone, and although I would prefer to be coy and disregard even mentioning whether I have acted on that “urge” (which is not an… Read More Where’d everybody go?