My eating disorder has faded for years now and a new disorder has arose. I believe it’s a panic disorder although I haven’t confirmed yet with a doctor. It doesn’t seem right to become intensely terrified of normal every day things that had not terrified me before. Walking downtown, driving on highways, riding an escalator… Read More Disorder Swap
I apologize for the lack of hope that I have portrayed in this blog. I’m not really sure if I’m apologizing as much to you as to myself. I had intended this to be a documented recording of the ways in which I have successfully recovered on my own accord. And I suppose, in a… Read More Shape Shift
I received an email from a beloved fan of this blog asking if I was alright. Why I stopped writing. If I was alive. Only true anorexics understand what a huge possibility it is when that disordered girls blog we follow suddenly becomes a desolate un-updated waste of space in the netherworld of the net.… Read More Sad Reality
Sometimes it feels as if my ribs are creaking as I breath. Or my heart flutters as if I was dropping downward on a roller coaster. I am still. I have not moved. Not in a while. I feel my skin tightening around my face, a millimeter below my temples and all the way down… Read More I’ll trade Anorexia for this fucked up starve/binge cycle I got going on here. Sounds perfect.
My whole being wants to live outside of myself. But I am trapped within myself. Unable to crawl outside of this tight space inside of my spirit that, I, myself, have created to be a dampening place. I imagined that, by now, I would have purified my soul enough to feel comfortable enough to quit… Read More Turtle Shell Showdown
It’s not necessarily that I want to “die”…or want to be dead. It’s just thtat I don’t understand why it is that I am here. It may, and will forever, be baby girl that has attached me to this world. I would have lifted off without her. I am able to recognize that I am… Read More What’s Your Point?
I don’t know how to live without my Eating Disorder. So I don’t leave my house very often. Only on an “as needed” basis, and while I’m out, I feel like a bumbling idiot. I’m nervous. Around everyone. It’s stupid. But I can’t stop it. I like to hide in my house with baby girl… Read More Escape Reality Forever said every addict everywhere.
I tell myself not to get upset. I am drunk. And stoned. “A victim of circumstance” i feel I should cry. I am done with that song and dance. For now. I miss her. My mother, of course. It hits me harder. And I try to block it out. But like a flood of sudden… Read More Nothing.
I couldn’t have illustrated the chaos within me today as I chain smoked joints filled with shit weed and scrubbed the hell out of my floors. The landlord calls. Relentlessly. I have no response. I can’t think of one quick enough. I scrubbed and I smoked and I turned off the music because the silence… Read More These Present Times
I keep getting texts from the landlord. 2 months behind on rent. What is he supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? I work so hard, and reap so little. I work at the leading restaurant in a major city…but there was training and minimum wage on top of a weeks worth of… Read More Together We Cry