It’s not necessarily that I want to “die”…or want to be dead. It’s just thtat I don’t understand why it is that I am here. It may, and will forever, be baby girl that has attached me to this world. I would have lifted off without her. I am able to recognize that I am… Read More What’s Your Point?
I don’t know how to live without my Eating Disorder. So I don’t leave my house very often. Only on an “as needed” basis, and while I’m out, I feel like a bumbling idiot. I’m nervous. Around everyone. It’s stupid. But I can’t stop it. I like to hide in my house with baby girl… Read More Escape Reality Forever said every addict everywhere.
I tell myself not to get upset. I am drunk. And stoned. “A victim of circumstance” i feel I should cry. I am done with that song and dance. For now. I miss her. My mother, of course. It hits me harder. And I try to block it out. But like a flood of sudden… Read More Nothing.
I choked down a banana at 3pm. I began to put on my slacks for work and dutifully reminded myself that I must consume anything before I am unable to consume at all until midnight. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find “recovery”….or, more importantly, “appetite” outside of cannibis. It has been the one… Read More Constantly Questioning my Motives.
My circumstance is so strange. Isn’t yours? I mean, seriously. Recovery in a time like this. How? I worked 8 hours…formal dining. Pleasing the richest of the metroplex. VIPS. Rosemary seared Ahi tuna with with a jasmine risotto topped with capers, peas, and shallots with a red vinaigrette buerre blanc drizzled on top. I lit… Read More The tables have turned
Altered neural circuitry may lead to anorexia and bulimia. I have become completely fascinated by the new research that is coming out about the link between appetite receptors in the brain and anorexia/bulimia. What I hope to find out more is if the disorder is something we are born with, or if our brains… Read More Altered neural circuitry may lead to anorexia and bulimia
It has come as no surprise to me that I have fallen deeper into depression. True depression. Not I hate myself I think I’m fat Life sucks Can’t catch a break Woe is me But an impending dull boredom that has enveloped my every waking moment. A constant dampening of my spirit as I try… Read More I don’t know
I couldn’t have illustrated the chaos within me today as I chain smoked joints filled with shit weed and scrubbed the hell out of my floors. The landlord calls. Relentlessly. I have no response. I can’t think of one quick enough. I scrubbed and I smoked and I turned off the music because the silence… Read More These Present Times
I keep getting texts from the landlord. 2 months behind on rent. What is he supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? I work so hard, and reap so little. I work at the leading restaurant in a major city…but there was training and minimum wage on top of a weeks worth of… Read More Together We Cry
This has got to have been the very low lowest of my life. These last 3 years…up until this very moment, have been the most grueling, dumb-fuckery of an existence that I’ve ever happened into in all 27 years. It’s all been fucked, to be honest. A meth addicted mother. Raised by my great-grandmother who… Read More Renew in me a New…anything.