It’s so obvious when the struggle sets in. To everyone of course. After almost 20 years of struggling with the seemingly foreign concept of self nourishment. Sustainment. I have moments and I don’t make things worse. I don’t force myself to do things my body won’t allow. I just slip by, unnoticed, except that’s not… Read More Not in Numbers
Jolie comes to me from the other side. It isn’t something that I can freely express to a lot of people, however I am sure that I’ve shared these experiences with more than have cared to know them. Jolie come to me from the other side in the form of Florence & The Machine songs.… Read More Did I Build This Ship to Wreck?
When the thunder rolls, it’s depth is unpredictable and cascading – echoing on into directions that are both far too wide or deep for me to comprehend. I wonder, in those moments, what keeps me stuck in this roll. For how deep or cascading, in which direction, cheering on the strikes of light, flickering through… Read More Hear the Thunder Roll
Now a new study from Columbia University has identified for the first time what’s going on in the brain when anorexics make a decision about what to eat. By using fMRIs, the researchers found that when they decide what food to eat, people with anorexia are engaging a part of the brain that is associated… Read More One Day
I want to improve my diet. What a phrase to use on a blog like this. A word, in fact, that sometimes causes those that fear for the disordered to lose their minds. And in these present times, the choices of the “right diet” are a million and one, making it impossible to trust very… Read More Tell me more about the candida in my stomach…..
After 3 years, I am turning back to you. Because reading your words, and your thoughts, and your process of struggle has helped me to realize that I need to hear what you have to say more than ever. —————————– I worry often that I’m losing it. I have built myself up and pushed my… Read More Resurrection
I apologize for the lack of hope that I have portrayed in this blog. I’m not really sure if I’m apologizing as much to you as to myself. I had intended this to be a documented recording of the ways in which I have successfully recovered on my own accord. And I suppose, in a… Read More Shape Shift
I have lived without thinking of my eating disorder for a while. I have pushed it to the very depths of my mind, and I’m not quite sure why I have decided to pull it forth tonight. I have held it before me and stared into it’s crystal-y gaze and admire it’s endless depth. Because… Read More Question For The World
Sometimes it feels as if my ribs are creaking as I breath. Or my heart flutters as if I was dropping downward on a roller coaster. I am still. I have not moved. Not in a while. I feel my skin tightening around my face, a millimeter below my temples and all the way down… Read More I’ll trade Anorexia for this fucked up starve/binge cycle I got going on here. Sounds perfect.
My whole being wants to live outside of myself. But I am trapped within myself. Unable to crawl outside of this tight space inside of my spirit that, I, myself, have created to be a dampening place. I imagined that, by now, I would have purified my soul enough to feel comfortable enough to quit… Read More Turtle Shell Showdown