When the thunder rolls, it’s depth is unpredictable and cascading – echoing on into directions that are both far too wide or deep for me to comprehend. I wonder, in those moments, what keeps me stuck in this roll. For how deep or cascading, in which direction, cheering on the strikes of light, flickering through… Read More Hear the Thunder Roll
Now a new study from Columbia University has identified for the first time what’s going on in the brain when anorexics make a decision about what to eat. By using fMRIs, the researchers found that when they decide what food to eat, people with anorexia are engaging a part of the brain that is associated… Read More One Day
I apologize for the lack of hope that I have portrayed in this blog. I’m not really sure if I’m apologizing as much to you as to myself. I had intended this to be a documented recording of the ways in which I have successfully recovered on my own accord. And I suppose, in a… Read More Shape Shift
I have lived without thinking of my eating disorder for a while. I have pushed it to the very depths of my mind, and I’m not quite sure why I have decided to pull it forth tonight. I have held it before me and stared into it’s crystal-y gaze and admire it’s endless depth. Because… Read More Question For The World
Sometimes it feels as if my ribs are creaking as I breath. Or my heart flutters as if I was dropping downward on a roller coaster. I am still. I have not moved. Not in a while. I feel my skin tightening around my face, a millimeter below my temples and all the way down… Read More I’ll trade Anorexia for this fucked up starve/binge cycle I got going on here. Sounds perfect.
This has got to have been the very low lowest of my life. These last 3 years…up until this very moment, have been the most grueling, dumb-fuckery of an existence that I’ve ever happened into in all 27 years. It’s all been fucked, to be honest. A meth addicted mother. Raised by my great-grandmother who… Read More Renew in me a New…anything.
In other news i am forcing myself to drink milk after I have not eaten in two days. I’m really busy. Like you wouldn’t believe. And that’s pretty much what I said last time I started starving myself again. But I’m wondering now if the reason that my anorexia seemed so phenomenally backwards from the others,… Read More Hi-Lo
A toucan, a bear, and a bee visited me in my dream last night. There had been a settling unrest throughout my sleep, which has been the second most annoying side effect of the nicotine patch, with the itching being number one. But I’m on my eleventh day of not smoking so I can deal… Read More Dream Interpreting 101
I feel like a fraud. I am sitting here praying that God please give me the same will power I always have had to not eat, and infuse that into giving me the will power to just not smoke another cigarette. I was in tears for the sheer fact that I felt like an idiot… Read More Cheer me on.
I go for so long. I like that about myself. I do persist. I do fight. I do try. I’m not most. I’m willing. To try to be willing. To be willing. My soul is deep and I do love. Although I’m not sure how to mostly. Not the “normal” way. Not the way that… Read More Up and Down. Down and Out. Out and About.