It’s so obvious when the struggle sets in. To everyone of course. After almost 20 years of struggling with the seemingly foreign concept of self nourishment. Sustainment. I have moments and I don’t make things worse. I don’t force myself to do things my body won’t allow. I just slip by, unnoticed, except that’s not… Read More Not in Numbers
After 3 years, I am turning back to you. Because reading your words, and your thoughts, and your process of struggle has helped me to realize that I need to hear what you have to say more than ever. —————————– I worry often that I’m losing it. I have built myself up and pushed my… Read More Resurrection
I apologize for the lack of hope that I have portrayed in this blog. I’m not really sure if I’m apologizing as much to you as to myself. I had intended this to be a documented recording of the ways in which I have successfully recovered on my own accord. And I suppose, in a… Read More Shape Shift
My whole being wants to live outside of myself. But I am trapped within myself. Unable to crawl outside of this tight space inside of my spirit that, I, myself, have created to be a dampening place. I imagined that, by now, I would have purified my soul enough to feel comfortable enough to quit… Read More Turtle Shell Showdown
It’s not necessarily that I want to “die”…or want to be dead. It’s just thtat I don’t understand why it is that I am here. It may, and will forever, be baby girl that has attached me to this world. I would have lifted off without her. I am able to recognize that I am… Read More What’s Your Point?
I don’t know how to live without my Eating Disorder. So I don’t leave my house very often. Only on an “as needed” basis, and while I’m out, I feel like a bumbling idiot. I’m nervous. Around everyone. It’s stupid. But I can’t stop it. I like to hide in my house with baby girl… Read More Escape Reality Forever said every addict everywhere.
I am bad. And that’s good. I will never be good and that’s not bad. There’s no one I’d rather be than me. –Wreck it Ralph I wonder if my brain has been chemically altered by all the years and varieties of crazy pills I had been informed to take. 15 years of them. I’ve… Read More Blowing Out the Smoke
I feel like a fraud. I am sitting here praying that God please give me the same will power I always have had to not eat, and infuse that into giving me the will power to just not smoke another cigarette. I was in tears for the sheer fact that I felt like an idiot… Read More Cheer me on.
I go for so long. I like that about myself. I do persist. I do fight. I do try. I’m not most. I’m willing. To try to be willing. To be willing. My soul is deep and I do love. Although I’m not sure how to mostly. Not the “normal” way. Not the way that… Read More Up and Down. Down and Out. Out and About.
Sometimes. Most times. I feel very lost within myself. Traipsing here and then meandering there and unwilling to acknowledge the presence of either or. I tipped my hat to my number, but then I kept walking. It’s an answered pray. A true miracle. I promise you. It was as if, I wrote that number down,… Read More Mental Insurrection